It was a sigh of relief when I came out to my mother. Yet, I look back on that day in retrospect and always wonder if coming out was the right thing to do. In many ways, I feel like I disappointed my mom. She had dreams for me; she wanted me to get marry, have a wife and children. I could have easily have done it. You know, play a closeted husband and father. But who would I really be disappointing?
I’m lost in this world. Don’t know whether I should go back to being “straight” or head on with my life as a same gender loving 18 year old that is in many ways trying to make a change for his community. But I’m tired of being a disappointment. Yes, I’m in college. Yes, I started making my own money at 17. Yes, I never did drugs. Yes, I never got a girl pregnant. Yes, I was everything every mother wishes for. But I’m gay. That’s apart of my identity. I will always be “the gay son”, “the gay brother”, “the gay nephew”. And at this point I am tired of being those titles. I’m in a contemplation stage right now and I don’t know whether or not I should go back inside my closet.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
As children we are bound to dissapoint our parents eventually. It's futile trying to live life appeasing their every want, desire, and hope for our lives. My parents want me to be an engineer/bishop. I want to be a...something(LOL); but I know I don't want to be that.
I TOTALLY understand how it feels to feel like you've disappointed your parents by crushing their dreams.
But, personally, I had to realize that everyone has their dreams for another, and you have to strive to make your dreams a reality. I have dreams that Jill Scott make another cd. I have dreams that Beyonce sits down for a couple months. I have dreams that Barack can become president and not be assassinated.
You can either live life for others, or you can live life for you.
(sorry if my tone is a bit harsh, I don't mean it that way.)
-Marz
Once you come out you can't go back in! when you came out you let a secret loose. Can you take that secret back? I doubt it... Unless you believe that you aren't what you said you admitted, a homosexual. It takes courage to let that one come outta your lips and that seems like the hardest part right? WRONG!!! Once you give people information, they get inquisitive, judgemental and sometimes even hateful. It will get worse before it gets better it seems like in your situation. Try to deal with the best you can. I am dealing with the disappointment now from my dad. He thinks That I will come out of it and its just a stage. My brother however knows different... he told me that if you want to leave it alone you can but if you dont I'll still be your brother. I wish you the best in future comings...
Dude, I don't know what to tell you, other than you can't be a slave to someone who can't accept you for who you are but wants to accept you for being a poser.
I am someone who made a big mistake because, like you perhaps, I became of the mistaken belief that the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one. Sorry, if it's Star Trekkian, but I'm someone who wanted very much to be out and proud and enjoy myself but couldn't because of a variety of reasons; Specifically, family and friends.
I didn't have any role models, the environment I was in was not conducive to my being able to come out and most especially, I had no friends to confide in.
Is it any wonder, Steven, the path that I was forced to take because of others eventually led me to where it is now?
Don't make that mistake. In due time, your family will get over your SGA. You on the other hand, have but one chance at this. If you let it go, you will not have a second opportunity at this.
Trust me on this one.
Its never easy,but just think
will the end justify the means.
My mom still gives me the guilt
thing...marriage,children etc.
But even if I married ,it would
be something else..she gives my
married sisters hell...when she
does it makes me happy I stood
my ground...and now 20 years
later ,I am still happy about that
decision...
"I will always be 'the gay son', 'the gay brother', 'the gay nephew'. And at this point I am tired of being those titles."
Being "gay" doesn't define you nearly as much as "son" and "brother" do, but perhaps more than "nephew" does.
If you sat and listened to the sad stories of older gay men who married & had children (which they later regretted doing), you'd rejoice in being a bright young man lucky enough to be gay. If you have a family, it will be because you choose to, not due to accident. Being gay, socially and/or sexually, allows you to meet & network with people from different class, ethnic and professional backgrounds. Straight black males rarely have such opportunities.
For the last few years, I have been living by the mantra that "no one lives their life for me, so I will live my life for no one"
It's sort-of like the ignorance that precedes titles such as:
The black guy in accounting... the latino man with the bald head, etc.
The closet is dark, dank and confining... do you... mom will realize that you are a wonderful son - even if the gay issue takes some getting used to. What's most important is that you learn to LOVE you for who you are and YOU accept that there is so much more to you than being the "gay" anything...
What you are experiencing is that your heart is being convicted. God rejects homosexuality and you know that.
Yes, we're made by God, in His image, likeness, wonderfully and fearfully made. However in Romans chapter 12, we have to present BACK unto God our bodies and lives ACCEPTABLE. That means that even in His creation, we have choices that can separate us from our creator. If we involved ourselves in things that we know God rejects, so shall everything he created reject and rebel against us.
How can we force God to accept a lifestyle and culture that rebels against His creative order?
Maybe God is tugging at your spirit to talk to Him, go to Him, because our dreams and lives are created and will forever reign in Him for all eternity!
Steven, we can't please everyone, if you try then what was that you wanted. Sometimes in our lives we feel like we let someone down. And no you or any other gay person did not separate from God. God resides in all of creation. God is with every step of the way in your life. God also doesn't reject something that God has something to do with.And nobody forces nothing on God that God has pre-accepted in the first place. So Steven know that this stage will pass, and great things will happen and come. I know people not want you to end talking and thinking like captain. God love you, I do.
Post a Comment