Interview with a former sex worker

Xavier, The Great

He prostituted to get by. Slept under cars. A young person of color lost in a world of utter hopelessness. He emerged to become one of the communities most profound poets, inspiration and an icon. Emanuel Xavier opens up about his life as a sex worker, homeless youth, and how he rose to be a great poet.

How and why did you start the House Of Xavier?
I wanted to bring together two cultures which had influenced me- the slam poetry scene and the ballroom community. At first, it was very confusing for a lot of people because it wasn't a traditional ballroom House. Willi Ninja was there from the very beginning. He absolutely loved the idea. It was because of him that I continued believing in the concept and staging the annual Glam Slam competitions. Without him or Mother Diva Xavier, I would've given up years ago.

What are some experiences being the founder of your House?
At first, the House of Xavier actually had "children" running around expecting me to be the "father." I wasn't really ready for all of that and I ended up losing them to other Houses where they finally found a home. I think we all found our place and are doing what we really want to do today. I enjoy putting together the annual Glam Slam competitions and the occasional mini balls. However, Mother Diva Xavier is ready to be an actual "mother" and we are currently scouting around for an appropriate "father" to reintroduce the House of Xavier to the ballroom community.

Describe your coming out.
Everything is really intense when you're in your teens and so when my mother overheard a phone conversation between myself and the guy I had broken up with, I fell apart and her reaction only made things worse. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and downing a bottle of pills only to wake up throwing up charcoal at the hospital.

Was your family accepting of you. Describe that.
They were very religious and old fashioned. Obviously, I was the Anti-Christ. That they didn't try to stab me with daggers at a church alter was a big surprise. Eventually, we all grew up and learned to forgive and love one another. My relationship with them today is beautiful. In retrospect, because of everything we put each other through, we are closer as a family. It didn't seem that way back then. We're very fortunate to have one another and survive such a difficult period.

You were homeless on the streets of NY. Was that a result of being gay?
My mom was furious and asked me to leave home once I was released from the hospital. Of course, she regretted it the next day but I refused to go back and disappeared into New York City nightlife. I was out on the streets for months prostituting myself for a couch to crash on or some money to get through the next day. Once, I even slept underneath a parked car at the West Side Highway piers because it was raining outside. A lot of times, I could be found asleep on some corner at the Sound Factory because it was open until noon or one of the House mothers would let me sleep on their floor or a hallway. Eventually, it was a gay cousin who found me hustling out on Christopher Street who I agreed to stay with out in the Bronx as long as he didn't tell my mother.

I read your biography. I have friends who call what they do sex work but you called it in your biography prostitution. Is there a difference?
Whatever you choose to call it, it is what it is. I'm only here today because I practiced safe sex and was very lucky not to end up floating in the Hudson River. I count my blessings every day. I'm not one to pass judgment on anyone for how they choose to survive. The key word here is 'survive.' It doesn't matter what you do or how you choose to define it. As long as you're practicing safe sex, you could call it what you want.

Why did you turn to prostitution to get by?
I was only sixteen, I was full of rage and my hormones were racing. Probably even more so because I had been sexually abused as a child. I was angry at myself, at my family, at the world.

How did you get into drug dealing?
Eventually, I started dating someone who was dealing drugs on the side. I was introduced to the guy he worked for and it all seemed so glamorous. Because I didn't have any addictions of my own, I thought I was helping people. The only one I was really helping was myself. Later in life, it would come back to bite me in the ass.

How did you quit drug dealing and prostitution?
I stopped prostituting thanks to my cousin. With a roof over my head and food in my stomach, there was no need to be out on the streets turning tricks for coins. He and his lover sort of became my gay parents and I eventually went back home to my mother and finished school. Drug dealing came a bit later as I still had a few demons to battle and I hadn't quite matured just yet. The day I found myself at a gay bar with drug-filled pockets and no one watching over me, I knew I was being set up. I had become too popular at the major clubs as a dealer and the police were really cracking down. The whole Giuliani period was really scary and I met someone who convinced me it was time to move on. He had me move in with him briefly until I got my shit together.

Has the gay community changed since you first came in it?
Most definitely. There are so many more options for queer youth today than there were when I was a teen. There is far more information regarding safe sex. There are many more safe spaces for queer youth and places to turn to if your child turns out to be gay. There is still a long way to go before we have the same opportunities as straights but I remain hopeful that day may someday come.

What are your plans for the future?
I'd like to continue writing and possibly acting. I want to inspire and be inspired. I've spent so much of my life trying to make up for all the mistakes of the past and I'd like to look back and smile whole-heartedly. I always say regret is self-destructive. I've learned so much through my experiences and know I'm simply lucky to still be here. If there's a lesson to be learned from my experiences, it's to be good to yourself. No matter what you've done in life or what you've been through, "Stars are not only found out in the sky but in ourselves."

full interview email me at queerkidofcolor@yahoo.com